


Da'at

by joudama



Series: Ein Sof [3]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-08
Updated: 2011-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-16 19:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/168569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joudama/pseuds/joudama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reunion will make you whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Da'at

**Author's Note:**

> *dusts off "Joudama Explains It All" hat again* In one Kabbalistic school of thought, the location (the mystical state) of Da'at (Knowledge) is where the sephirot are united as one--all sephirot exist in their perfected state of infinite sharing, and it's impossible to distinguish one sephira from another, which works to mean that they are, for all intents and purposes, united as one.
> 
> Da'at and Keter (the "crown"--the uppermost sephira) are the same sephira from two different aspects; therefore where there is one, the other is not. (But there are some who equate Da'at with Malkhut. Which makes sense, oddly enough--because Malkhut is also known as Atarah - "Diadem".) In Lurianic Kabbalah, Keter is eliminated and Da'at is placed between Chokhmah and Binah. And there is a school that states that Keter is not part of the Tree but is instead the lowest part of the Ein Sof (the essence of God) and the _root_ of the Tree of Life (also part of why there is a big connection between Malkhut and Keter). Basically, one way to wrap your head around it is this: prior to the Breaking of the Vessels, Keter was part of the Tree, but afterwards Da'at. According to some schools. Not all. Some, namely in the Hermetic Qabalah, see Da'at as not a sephira but as an absence of a sephira, as upon an abyss, as a hidden or false sephira, and...yeah. The big thing I'm driving at is this: Da'at is the return to the state of unity, and Da'at and Keter do not exist together on the Tree, but both exist. Or one exists by not existing. Or that Da'at is simply the reflection of the inner dimension of Keter. Or something.
> 
> When the sephirot are mapped onto the body, Keter is at the top of the head, with Chochmah, Binah, and Malkhut forming the rest (Malkhut is the mouth), in a triangle, and Da'at rests in between, as the unified state of mind.
> 
> Da'at is also said to hold the key to unlocking the six chambers of the heart, filling them with the lifeforce. *takes off Joudama Explains It All Hat, stuffs it under something, and goes off in search of liquor*
> 
> ...and yes, I spent far more time researching all this than actually writing the fic.

He dreamed.

And in the dream, he floated in the Lifestream, apart and separate and whole, seeking until he found, one with Mother's cells, one that would allow him to return, and Kadaj smiled, a smile that was not his, and he felt Mother's satisfaction, felt Mother's presence, and, most of all, felt _whole_. Kadaj was full, complete, his soul his own. But when he looked down, the body...he realized, suddenly, that he was not he but _him_ , Sephiroth, and this was some fragment of Sephiroth's will, of his memory, that Kadaj carried within him, accessible only now, only in the unconscious and dreaming. And Kadaj hated, hated the way his Mother's voice filled Sephiroth in a way she didn't fill him, hated how Sephiroth was complete when he was incomplete, a shell seeking its missing parts.

But that was not for now, and Sephiroth-Kadaj formed a space, a void in the Lifestream, where there was nothing, an empty space for creation or destruction, around one who was _different_ , was--

~ _Your brother_ ,~ Mother whispered, not to Sephiroth but to _him_ , and Kadaj lightened, knew Mother was here, with him, not Sephiroth. He watched, behind Sephiroth's eyes, as Sephiroth and Mother tried to open his brother, bring him to them. From here, incased in the shell that was Sephiroth, part and yet separate, aching from the knowledge that when he woke the completion would be gone, he could feel Mother, feel Her presence as She struggled both with and against Sephiroth. In his mind, he could hear Mother, hear Her saying that Sephiroth would and had betrayed Her, would and had fought Her, but he never would, no, not Her son, Her Kadaj, Her fractured, imperfect Kadaj.

~ _But I will fix you_ ,~ She whispered. ~ _Sephiroth failed me, so I will fix you, my Reunion will make you whole._ ~

Her voice was soft, soothing, the rage behind it held back but still there, still under the surface, and Kadaj vowed that no, he would not betray Her, he would never--

He screamed, in his dream, as the brother that Sephiroth touched, opened, suddenly shattered, fragments of self flying, and he screamed as the light burned him, as a fragment of the other, his brother embedded into him, flying out of the void, piercing, pulling him from Sephiroth and out of that completion, and it burned, those fragments, burned him and burned Mother and She screamed, Her voice rending his head, tearing him apart, and the fragments _burned_ , burned so _much_ , and he _screamed_ \--

"Brother!"

Kadaj woke. He woke shaking, still feeling Mother screaming in his mind, still feeling where the fragment of his brother had entered, burning. His hands scrabbled at the place, trying to dig it out even as he knew it was impossible; it had burned into Sephiroth, not him, only he had the damage from it, it had become part of what had become Kadaj, and he hated Sephiroth for this.

Kadaj wrapped his arms around himself, shivering, suddenly feeling the gaping emptiness of what he was, even from the dream the memories of being _complete_ haunting him, and Mother's promise seemed so far away, and--

"Brother?" Loz said, eyes wide and frightened, touching Kadaj's shoulder with as much gentleness as he could. "What's wrong?"

"Is it Mother?" Yazoo asked, before Kadaj could speak. Loz and Yazoo were opposites, opposing aspects of Sephiroth that worked together in ways that even Kadaj couldn't understand. Even in appearance, they were opposite, Loz large and powerful as a weapon to be aimed at a populace, Yazoo slight and delicate as a blade to be drawn across the throat. Kadaj wondered, suddenly, where he fit, if he was truly part or alone--Yazoo was seduction and Loz was force, and what was he?

And he reached for them both, Mother still screaming in his mind and the feel of _Sephiroth_ still within him, a mocking presence he wanted to drive out, drive away, never wanted to feel again.

And when he touched them, he knew that it was only the memory of Sephiroth that made him doubt. They were three, not two and one, and he knew this as they reached for him as well, pulling him as one against them. They worked as one, he knew, because they were complete _together_ , they were mirrors and so it was only natural that when one moved so did the other, and that they were two points and he was the vertex, they seemed whole together only because they opposed, but true unity only came like this, with the three of them together, and he sought to get closer, moving against them and feeling them move against him, the broken shards coming together, making a whole, making _one_.

And it was odd, so very, very odd, to touch oneselves but not feel it; or rather, to feel it as touching from the outside, feel it only against his hand and not against hand and leg and cheek as he should have. They were three who were supposed to be one, and the distance was a pain almost physical, and with a kind of desperation, Kadaj opened himself to him, bringing them closer to him.

It was only like this, only when connected and joined through flesh and movement, when the others the selves the instances the vessels were somehow inside physically instead of just mentally, that there was a feeling of wholeness of self of inseparability of _complete_ , filling each other instead of waiting to be filled; the parts of one filling the others and in turn the empty spaces being filled.

And it was only like this, only now, only in this jumble of sounds and movement and connection, when he when they were one and whole and complete unto themselves himself oneselves, that Mother and Sephiroth were silent.

And when they broke apart, unable to sustain a state of unity and reunion, it was like fracturing, of falling back into an incompleteness that seemed all the more painful and aching because of the moments before of joining; One separated again into these flawed and incomplete vessels.

Reunion, Kadaj thought, buried within the safety of the limbs that were himself but not but himself, must be something like the moments where they were all joined, where, for once, they were not trifurcated, but _one_.

And, he thought to himself as he began to drift into a dreamless sleep and feeling the fragment of his brother buried with him, a fragment that sang to rejoin with its own source and feeling a kinship with that displaced shard longing to be whole, he would find their missing brother, as incomplete as them, and Reunion would bring them together, bring them _peace_.


End file.
